In this episode of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast, author C.K. Kelly Collins talks about her book The Swipe Right Effect and her journey about how to get unstuck and find happiness after divorce. You’re sure to learn something new!
Total Life Makeover
Along with her divorce, Kelly decided to sell her publishing business which was another key piece of her identity, along with being a wife and mother. This left her whirling and needing to fully reconstruct her life.
After a few years of doing hard work of healing, she embarked on a year-long travel sabbatical to write her book. She met many wise people and enjoyed a wide range of experiences.
Naturally, Kelly started dating after her divorce. We talked about how dating after 50 is very different than when you are young. Since raising a family is no longer a concern, you can focus on how a man treats you, if you have fun together, do you share the same values, and have a similar lifestyle.
The Swipe Right Effect
She started by saying it was a “pay-it-forward” book, sharing all the wonderful advice, patience, and love she got from friends and strangers about healing after divorce and rebuilding her life.
As she traveled, she began a gratitude process, recalling and reflecting on the advice and how it changed her life. Every chapter tells a different story about where she was at the time of receiving the advice, what her friend said, and then each friend’s story as well. They are all incredible women. How to get unstuck is the underlying theme.
We also talked about how you might have different friends for different reasons. Some friends just want to gossip, some might want to play golf or go to lunch, and some get deep with conversation that explores the world inside and out.
Choose Yourself – Take Care of Yourself
The Swipe Right Effect is a take off on the dating apps and swiping right to choose who you want to date. However, the book is about choosing yourself. Working on yourself and learning to love yourself again – that’s how to get unstuck and build a new life.
Looking back, she came to realize how terribly stuck she had been after divorce and confiding in her single friends helped her find the understanding she needed.
It is so important to have your own life and be happy with it before you start dating. That makes you far more attractive to men. If you make a man your sole focus and hope for a better life, this puts pressure on him and is energetically unappealing.
From my perspective, the last thing you want to do is try to fill a hole in your life with a man. As a dating coach for 20 years, I can say that is a recipe for heartbreak and disaster.
Kelly wants you to take a beat and work on yourself after divorce, before jumping back into the dating pool. Very wise.
She knows this now because she didn’t take the time to first recuperate or heal before dating. Jumping in with both feet right after divorce, Kelly didn’t get to know herself, think about what she wanted, or what would work for her. This makes finding lasting love with a quality man difficult.
How to Get Unstuck – Love Yourself First
Kelly highly recommends looking in the mirror and saying, “I love you” every day before you start to date because you have to love yourself first. Louise Haye would certainly agree! No matter how trite it sounds, this is a necessary step.
I chimed in with the fact that you can’t meet the kind of quality men you desire if you don’t love yourself first. You just can’t fix your life with a new man. That’s why you might not be resonating at the frequency you want to attract lasting love.
First you have to love yourself and create a life you enjoy. Then you add a loving relationship, and you connect at a much higher Emotional Intelligence level.
Kelly points out learning how to reframe situations or thoughts is essential, so that when you come in contact with heart wrenching reminders of your ex, you react less, accept what is and have healed from it to be in a more neutral place. Talk about how to get unstuck!
Discover What Makes You Happy
Writing down what makes you happy is a super simple yet powerful exercise that helps you lift your vibe. You don’t have to make a vision board with pictures, you can simply list what makes you smile.
This is a dynamic method that helps you STOP thinking about the past and START thinking about the future and what makes you happy! This is the perfect example of CHOOSING YOU versus letting your power drain as an angry victim.
Don’t get us wrong – you have every right to feel angry of course. But at some point, you need to work through it to move on to find happiness again.
Constant Change Is Evolution
How many people live in the same house for 30 years, or keep one job, or stay in one relationship? Things are changing which can indicate you are growing and adapting! This isn’t something bad – it’s evolution.
Kelly went through a long process of forgiveness. She had to work on forgiving her ex. But she also had to find a way to forgive herself for staying in a miserable marriage for so long and looking back, thinking about so much wasted time.
She had to love and accept herself for who she was at that time, and who she is today as a result of who she was then. This is an incredible step forward!
It’s Time For Adventure and Fun
Discovering how to get unstuck doesn’t have to be hard. At some point, depending on your healing process, you can start to have fun and see things as an adventure. Creating a new life can be enjoyable and very rewarding!
What if the horrible things that happened to you made room for something new and wonderful in your life now?
This is where Kelly goes back to talking about gratitude. For example, she’s grateful she and her husband had a good retirement fund, so she could travel for a full year and heal.
Give yourself a chance to find what is good in your life right now. Make this your practice, as well as loving yourself and forgiveness and this is a powerful recipe to get to happiness.
BIO – C.K. “Kelly” Collins
Believing travel feeds the soul and grows the heart and mind, Kelly embarked on a travel sabbatical to write her book, The Swipe Right Effect: The Power to Get Unstuck. Her journey took her to Buenos Aires, Patagonia, Portugal, Span, Italy, Utah and the Grand Canyon.
Kelly grew up in Nashville but now resides in Rhode Island. This book is the first of a four-part series, so stay tuned!